In a groundbreaking development, Indian Principal Investigators (PIs) have finally cracked the code of research productivity. No, it’s not innovation, hard work, or building indigenous systems. That’s for amateurs. The real trick? Copy someone else’s work, change a base pair here and there, give it a spicy name, and call it “novel.” Voilà—millions in funding and a front-row seat at international conferences.
Why waste time reinventing the wheel when you can just relabel it as a “modified circular transport facilitator with translational potential in oncogenic pathways”?
The Grand Art of “Inspired Research”
The tediousness of genuine inquiry doesn’t bog down today’s Indian PI. Nope. They know the formula:
- Take a well-known clone or cell line from the West.
- Delete three base pairs from the 5’ end, maybe two from the 3’.
- Sprinkle in some fancy jargon about epigenetics, synergy, or AI.
- Slap on a “Make in India” label.
Boom—brand new discovery! The grant reviewers never stood a chance.
Indigenous Systems? That’s So 1950s
Who needs indigenous systems when we have freezer stocks from collaborators in Boston, Shanghai, and “a cousin working at Stanford”? Why waste money building local tools when you can just rename CRISPR as “Bhārat Gene Shuddhikaran Yojana” and hope the DST/DBT/BRIC claps?
Meanwhile, actual indigenous systems are left gasping for relevance in dusty PhD theses never read past the abstract.
Publications Galore! (Impact Factor Optional)
You might think this tactic would be caught in peer review. Ah, sweet summer child. Our PIs have mastered the dark arts of publication, with titles like:
- “Novel Deletion Variant of a Previously Known Gene That We Did Nothing to Understand”
- “A Modified Clone in a Slightly Different Environment: A Breakthrough!”
And the cherry on top? The annual pilgrimage to the “International Conference on Interdisciplinary Multidisciplinary Scientific Holistic Innovation Research”, held at five-star resorts with seven-star buffets.
Drug Testing for the Win (Sometimes Literally)
What do you do after making your Frankenstein clone? Test drugs on them, of course. Especially the same ones someone in the US tested in 2015. Add one new excipient and call it an “integrative pharmacological repositioning approach.” Don’t worry, nobody checks, and if you add enough acronyms, nobody understands either.
Bonus points if you throw in some buzzwords like “personalized,” “synergistic,” or “next-gen.”
Making Fools of Funders (and Somehow Getting Away With It)
Let’s be honest—our funding agencies? Angels. They hand out crores for research proposals that are basically Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V with a mild case of identity crisis. Add a pie chart, some recycled SEM images, and toss in a blurry schematic of a “proposed pathway” you made up over chai.
And when it’s time for progress reports? Just use the same figure from the last grant with new colors.
Conclusion: India’s Real Research Revolution
India isn’t lagging in science. We’re pioneering a whole new genre—Theater of Research. It’s not about results. It’s about performance. After all, isn’t the best science the one that looks great on paper, gets you a new SUV, and bags you a lifetime achievement award at 45?
So here’s a standing ovation to the brave PIs leading this renaissance of recycled science. May your clones be ever slightly different, your figures ever slightly blurred, and your funding ever slightly (or massively) undeserved.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual persons, publications, or plagiarized proposals is… entirely coincidental (and probably grant-worthy). Namashkar.